Top 10 Punny Christmas Crackers from U&GOLD 2025

A gag about the former Prince Andrew losing his royal titles has taken the crown in U&GOLD’s annual hunt for the nation’s best new Christmas cracker joke. Now known simply as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, the punchline that won over the judges was:

“Why is Prince Andrew not writing any Christmas books? He hasn’t got any titles.”

The joke topped the thirteenth edition of the festive competition, which invites the public to pen witty one-liners inspired by the year’s events.

Other crowd-pleasers making the shortlist included riffs on Oasis’ long-awaited reunion, pop star Sabrina Carpenter, and even the Louvre burglary. Among the top five were:

• “Why don’t Noel and Liam want to open their presents early on Christmas morning? They need a little time to wake up.”
• “What is a French burglar’s favourite Christmas film? Louvre, Actually.”

The contest, run by U&GOLD — the UK’s favourite comedy channel — saw thousands of entries submitted by the public. A judging panel whittled them down before putting the final selection to an anonymous vote of 2,000 British adults.

U&GOLD’s top 10 funniest new Christmas cracker jokes for 2025 are revealed as:

1. Why is Prince Andrew not writing any Christmas books? He hasn’t got any titles!
2. Why don’t Noel and Liam want to open their presents early on Christmas morning? They need a little time to wake up.
3. Which pop star carves her own wooden Nativity scene? Sabrina Carpenter
4. What do Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor and a snowman have in common? They’re both out in the cold.
5. What is a French burglar’s favourite Christmas film? Louvre, Actually.
6. Could Lily Allen and David Harbour get back together for Christmas? Stranger Things have happened!
7. Why won’t Angela Rayner get any Christmas presents this year? Santa can’t decide which address to deliver to.
8. What is Claudia Winkleman’s favourite part of Christmas dinner? The Taters
9. Does Celia Imrie beat her family at Christmas party games? Yes, she trumps them all
10. Where has Santa been more than Nigel Farage – His house in Clacton

Comedy critic and editor of comedy website, Beyond the Joke Bruce Dessau, who led the U&GOLD judging panel, says, “An absolutely stellar list of jokes this year – possibly one of our best ever in the thirteen years U&GOLD has been running this competition! 2025 has featured a number of news-worthy moments, and there’s a real mix of topical jokes here that poke fun at some of the year’s headlines! Big congratulations to all the winners, and well done to everyone who entered this year.”

Gerald Casey, Director of Programme, Comedy and Entertainment, UKTV says, “Congratulations to our 2025 winners! Another fantastic year of hilarious entries, showing that the British public are a funny as ever when it comes to the news. We hope to spread even more Christmas cheer with our festive U&GOLD Christmas programming, including much-loved classic episodes from the likes of The Vicar of Dibley, The Fast Show and Only Fools and Horses.”

Ben Smith from Chelmsford, the mastermind behind the winning gag, scooped the top prize — £1,500 towards a holiday, a festive hamper, and a set of bespoke U&GOLD Christmas Crackers.

To mark the occasion, U&GOLD has packed the top six jokes of 2025 into specially designed cracker boxes, ensuring this year’s winners can literally pull their punchlines at the Christmas table.